TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are conversing Damascus, the city Traditionally noted for historical lifestyle, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed through the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we're creating them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from spot. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 many years for potable water. But Certainly, positive, let's have An additional place in which American Gentlemen can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although past negotiations unsuccessful underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is easier: give Anyone a collection about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he need to quit using it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the venture, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great men and women. Terrific tan. In any case, do I continue to have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Room, a function being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after discovering the building's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Bewildering Functions


Probably the strangest element on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, total with weather Regulate established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "Should you Bomb It, They're going to Arrive"


The ad campaign, lately leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is previously attracting interest from Global investors, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also incorporate:




  • A Dollar Retailer of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Feelings from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It required gold. It wanted a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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